Template preview by Straq · all names, prices & reviews are dummy data. Want this for your café?

Open now · the machine is warm

Coffee first. Personality later.

Brutally honest brews since 2016.

Espresso yourself. Legally, we had to say it once.

Order ahead, skip the queueSee the menu (it roasts you)
cups poured today
1284
cups poured today
masterpieces sipped
0
masterpieces sipped
decafs we respect
0
decafs we respect

Pick a design and hit pour. Our barista has been waiting all day for this.

  • Decaf is just coffee in witness protection
  • Yes, we can make it extra hot. No, it won't fix you
  • Laptop campers: one cup = 45 minutes. We're counting
  • Oat milk costs extra. Oats have a union
  • Our latte art is better than your handwriting
  • “Just water” is not an order, it's a hostage situation
  • We spell your name wrong on purpose. It's tradition
  • Espresso yourself. (We're sorry. We're not sorry.)

Build a brew

Play barista. We'll name it. Harshly.

Stack up to six layers. Our naming algorithm (a barista named Kabir) will tell you what you've made — and what that says about you.

Tap an ingredient. The glass is lonely.

You made

An empty glass

Very minimalist. Very ₹0. Still judging you.

₹0 · ~0 mg caffeine0/6 layers

Our story

Ten years, one bean at a time.

Every bean is a year we somehow survived. Scroll and watch them roast — from green and naive to dark, bitter and excellent. Much like our head barista.

  1. 2016

    Green & naive

    A cart, a kettle, a dream

    Started with one hand-grinder and a cart outside a college. Sold 11 cups. 7 were to our moms.

  2. 2018

    Cinnamon roast

    The first real machine

    Bought a secondhand espresso machine named Giorgio. Giorgio hisses at strangers. We love Giorgio.

  3. 2019

    Light roast

    Learned latte art

    Six months and 2,000 litres of milk later, we could pour a heart. It looked like a potato. A proud potato.

  4. 2021

    Medium

    We started roasting

    Set off the smoke alarm 14 times. Neighbours now think we run a very organised barbecue.

  5. 2023

    Dark roast

    The café opens

    Real chairs! Real walls! A WiFi password! People stayed for 6 hours on one cappuccino. Growth.

  6. 2026

    Espresso (dead inside)

    Still here, still brutally honest

    Three baristas, one oven, zero patience for ‘can I get a caramel mocha frappé with no coffee’.

Psst — click a bean. It spins. No, it doesn't do anything else. Neither do we before coffee.

The process

From cherry to “okay, I can talk now.”

Six steps, zero shortcuts, one very dramatic machine named Giorgio. Click a step or let it play.

Ripe red coffee cherries from a single estate in Chikmagalur. Ripe ones only. We have standards; you've seen our reviews.

Science (not really)

How many cups until you're a person?

Our resident scientist (the guy who washes the milk jugs) built this. It is 100% accurate and 0% peer-reviewed.

3 cups

Three cups. You'll reply to emails in ALL CAPS but you'll reply.

Order 3 to go

Reviews

People said things. Some of them nice.

Rated in beans, because stars are for hotels.

4.5

avg. beans · 6 dummy reviews

  • “The barista looked at my order, sighed, and made it perfectly. Best cappuccino in the city. I feel seen and slightly attacked.”

    Aditi K. · via Google

  • “Came for a quick coffee, stayed 5 hours, wrote half a novel. They charged me rent. Fair.”

    Rohan M. · via Zomato

  • “Croissant shattered so violently I'm still finding flakes in my car. 10/10 would be covered in butter again.”

    Sneha P. · via Google

  • “They wrote ‘Vikrum’ on my cup. Then ‘Vicram’. Then ‘Big V’. By the fourth visit I felt like family.”

    Vikram S. · via Instagram

  • “Asked for decaf. The barista asked ‘why?’ and I didn't have an answer. Drinking full caf now. Life is better.”

    Meera J. · via Zomato

  • “Basque cheesecake so good I proposed to it. It said no. Still coming back.”

    Arjun T. · via Google

Order ahead

Skip the queue. Not the spelling mistakes.

Order now, pick up later. We'll write your name on the cup. We'll get it wrong. It's tradition.

Size
Pick up in
Your name?

Actual cup may feature an even worse spelling. Collectors' item.

Brew-tally Honest

Specialty coffee, fresh bakes, and baristas who will tell you exactly what they think of your order.

Hours

  • Mon – Fri07:00 – 22:00

    For people with jobs

  • Saturday08:00 – 23:00

    For people avoiding jobs

  • Sunday09:00 – 21:00

    Brunch, but make it loud

Find us

7 Crema Crescent, Ground FloorSomewhere Caffeinated, India 000000+91 00000 00000hello@brewtallyhonest.example
  • Instagram
  • Zomato
  • Swiggy
  • Google Maps

A café template by Straq. All names, prices and reviews are dummy data. The sarcasm is real.